the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
