Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize