hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
why does every cop we meet know your name?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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