Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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