No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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