i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
