It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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