I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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