I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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