the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
