I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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