I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
