I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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