Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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