I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
