Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
