do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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