i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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