So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
