I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
