for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
