explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
two words...techno handjob
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
