In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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