You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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