I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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