Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
