Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
