drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
