i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
