The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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