I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
