Plan B is the new Plan A
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize