party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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