i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
