May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
