1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize