I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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