Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize