life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
