Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just high enough for therapy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
