So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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