NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
