I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
