U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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