just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
