mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
