i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
