never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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