I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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