mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
