Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
