Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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