I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
