Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize