When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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